What to Say to Stop Your Wife (or Girlfriend) From Leaving You Over Porn

This article shows you the first steps you need to take if you want to:

  • Stop your relationship from being destroyed and your wife (or girlfriend) from leaving you over your porn use
  • Save your wife from all the pain she’s going through (such as feeling hurt, upset, cheated on, freaked out, resentful or worthless)
  • Start repairing your relationship so your wife trusts you and supports you 100% in your porn recovery (and you both enjoy more fun, laughs, sex and quality time together)

Obviously, if you want your wife to feel better (and prevent a nasty divorce), the very first thing you’ll need to do is talk with her.

If things are bad between you both, I know you’ve already had many discussions (and probably arguments and fights) about how porn is affecting your relationship.

But the chat you’re going to have now will be different from any discussions you’ve had before.

The step by step process in this article will show you exactly what you need to say to your wife (and how you need to say it) to make this discussion a total game changer.

When you follow these steps, you’ll be blown away by what a difference this approach makes, and it will leave you both thinking “wow” (it will almost seem like magic – you’ll see!).

And the best bit?

The steps below will help your wife to feel better and stop her from leaving you, even if you haven’t quit porn completely yet.

So even if you’re still working on overcoming porn addiction, you can use this approach right now to start healing your relationship and get your wife’s full support.

Follow These Steps No Matter Where You’re Relationship is At

This article is for you if:

  • Your wife (or girlfriend) has already threatened to leave you because of your porn use; or
  • Porn is destroying your relationship and you’re worried she’ll leave you in future for a man who doesn’t have porn addiction; and/or
  • You have problems in your relationship because of your porn use (you’re arguing or fighting . . . or you’re distant and don’t talk much . . . or your wife is suffering painful emotions . . . or she can’t forgive you or trust you any more).

This article might also be able to help you if your wife or girlfriend has already left and you want to get back together again.

If she’s still open to talking and you nail the steps below, there’s a chance you can make it happen (of course there are no guarantees, but you have absolutely nothing to lose).

And even if your relationship is still good for now and your wife is totally supportive, you can still use this approach to make things even better and avoid things going downhill in future.

Women Leave their Husbands and Boyfriends Over Porn All the Time

First, something you need to realise is that the clock is always ticking and the time to act is right now.

If your wife is in pain over your porn use, she may not wait around forever for you to quit and for your relationship to get better.

This is the scary and tragic reality of porn addiction.

I regularly get emails from guys who subscribe to get my resources because their wives divorced them over their porn use, and that was the wake up call they needed to finally do something about it.

They’re almost always full of regret that they didn’t take action to quit porn and heal their relationship earlier before it was too late.

These guys needlessly lose the woman they love, the marriage they’ve invested years into, and often a lot of money.

Then there’s the emotional toll of all the stress, grief, hurt, resentment and other bad vibes that come up.

Sometimes they even lose their house and don’t get to see their kids again. It’s devastating for them.

You definitely don’t want to go through that yourself.

Other Guys Manage to Save their Relationships Just in Time

Many other guys contact me because porn is destroying their relationship and their wife has threatened to leave if they don’t get help, and we’ve been able to calm things down and save their marriage just in time.

But by that stage, it’s often a close call, and things have become super stressful and emotionally draining for them.

You definitely don’t want to let things get that close to the edge either.

The moral of the story is that prevention is always better than cure.

So if your porn addiction is causing problems in your relationship and your partner is suffering, you need to take action immediately before everything gets worse.

Start following the steps in this article today to avoid your wife leaving you and your marriage being wrecked over porn (and start restoring the trust, intimacy, support, happiness and other things you need in your relationship).

Note: I’ve packed a lot of tips and info into this article to make sure you have exactly what you need to nail your discussion with your wife, and to prevent her leaving you.

Your marriage is unbelievably important, and this article shows you the best way to start saving it – so it’s well worth reading the whole thing so you can make it happen.

Of course, if you don’t want to read this article and you’d rather have me guide you through exactly what you need to say and do personally, I’m happy to work with you.

Just hit me up to book in for a session on Skype / WhatsApp / Viber and we can run through it together.

Let’s Get Straight to the Magic Secret

When I help guys to solve problems porn has caused in their relationship, and I show them the approach I’m about to show you, they’re often skeptical.

They’re usually not convinced that it will really make that much difference.

Then I convince them to put it into action when they chat with their wives . . . and then they get back to me afterward saying “Wow! It really worked! I can’t believe it! I had no idea she would respond so well to what I was saying!”

Or something to that effect ;)

So before I tell you the magic part, I want to warn you that it won’t seem like magic when you hear it . . .

. . . but when you actually use it when you chat with your wife, that’s when you’ll see what a huge impact it has.

With that said, here is the secret.

If you really want to stop your wife from leaving you over your porn use and start healing your relationship, the very first thing you need to do is:

Put all of your own feelings, thoughts and experiences completely aside for now, and focus 100% on understanding your wife’s point of view, and making her feel totally understood.

This is the biggest key in the step by step process I’m going to show you.

And it’s going to change the game in your relationship, I promise you.

Why is That So Magical?

One of the things humans crave so desperately is to be understood.

A big reason why we crave it is because we all have an inbuilt drive to align and connect with others, and to be acknowledged and validated by them.

When other people really understand us, we feel a strong sense of that acknowledgement, validation, and connection with them.

And that feels really, really good.

This need to be understood is there for all of us, all day, every day.

But it really goes through the roof when we get into conflict with another person and a lot of painful emotions come up.

Like when we feel hurt, upset, betrayed, freaked out, angry, resentful, or fearful in any way (perhaps because our partner is addicted to watching porn . . . just saying).

We Go Into Survival Mode When We’re Not Understood

In those contentious situations where painful emotions are running hot but we don’t feel understood, it’s almost impossible to focus on anything else besides being listened to and understood.

This is a big reason why arguments and fights happen.

Each person is so desperate to be understood that they try to force their point and their perspective across onto the other person.

Except the other person is so focussed on being understood themselves that they don’t take on board the things they’re hearing . . . because they’re too busy trying to get their own point across.

When those situations get intense, we go into survival mode – fighting for our psychological and emotional survival.

Being Understood is Like Oxygen for Your Psychology and Emotions

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey says something along the lines of:

If all the air got sucked out of the room right now and you start suffocating, the only thing you’d be focussed on is getting some air so you could breathe.

Absolutely nothing else matters until you get that air.

Then, when you do get that air, everything changes. You instantly feel better, you come out of survival mode, and you can finally start to focus on other things.

Well, being understood is what Steven Covey calls “psychological air”.

When you’re feeling intensely painful emotions and someone asks you about how you’re feeling, listens to you, acknowledges and validates your point of view, and makes you feel totally understood, a huge shift happens.

You feel instantly better, the negative emotions diminish and you become more open, rational and constructive.

It’s the psychological and emotional equivalent of finally taking a deep breath of fresh air when you’ve been suffocating.

On the other hand, if you never feel properly understood (especially by the person you’re fighting with), the painful emotions don’t get resolved – instead they sit there and fester.

Not only that, but your relationship with that person suffers as well.

Genuine Understanding is Magic Because it’s Powerful, and Also Because it’s Rare

We’re not naturally wired to focus on understanding other people.

Instead, we’re wired to focus on being understood ourselves – on getting our point across.

So almost nobody is going through life making it their mission to truly understand other peoples’ perspectives and making sure they feel understood.

We’re so wrapped up in our own situation, feelings, thoughts and point of view that we don’t step outside that to look at things from someone else’s perspective.

But if we can put our stuff aside and just focus on the other person until they feel totally understood and filled up with psychological air, the magic happens every time.

The emotions dramatically subside, the defensive walls come down, and . . . surprise surprise . . . they actually open up and start wanting to understand us in return.

Not only that, but they also start to trust us more because they can feel we really care about them.

So if your porn use has caused your wife to stop trusting you, this is a powerful way to start rebuilding that trust you need for a healthy marriage.

You Can Use this to Stop Your Wife Leaving You and Save Your Relationship

When I work with women who are devastated over their husband’s porn use, what do you think I do first every single time?

You guessed it: I make sure I totally understand her, and I make sure she feels totally understood.

And when I do that, the positive shift in her mood, her thoughts and her attitude towards everything is stunning.

Now imagine if you (and not me) were the one making your wife feel totally understood instead.

It would be a million times more powerful.

If things are at the point where you have major relationship problems or your wife is going to leave you, she wants you to genuinely understand and acknowledge her point of view almost as much as she wants you to quit porn (and maybe even more).

That’s why this is one of the main keys in the process I’m going to show you.

Now, you might have already learned enough from what I’ve said to go and totally nail that chat with your wife.

If so, go and make it happen ASAP.

But if you want to know exactly what to do and say (and how to do and say it) to stop your wife from leaving you and to start healing your relationship, read on.

Do You Need Some Help to Make Sure You Nail It?

Before we get into the practical steps, I want you to know that I’m available to coach and support you in all of this if you need it (via Skype, WhatsApp or Viber).

Here are some of the ways I can help you to save your marriage and start fixing your relationship problems:

  • I can help you prepare for your chat with your wife so you know the right way to approach everything, and exactly what to say in your specific situation.
  • I can help you to understand your wife’s point of view so you totally blow her away when you talk with her.
  • I can speak with your wife to help her feel better, and to give her an independent perspective – which is perfect if she doesn’t trust you or believe what you’re saying any more.
  • I can also work with you and your wife together and guide you through your discussion so everything stays calm and positive, you get the best outcome, and you both feel awesome afterward.

So if you don’t want to leave anything to chance with your marriage, contact me now and I’d love to help you.

Index

The process is divided into a few main parts, which you just need to follow, step by step:

Part A: Preparing For Your Discussion

  1. Make Sure You’re Coming From a Sincere Place
  2. Put Your Own Grievances Aside for Now
  3. Look at Everything From Your Wife’s Perspective
  4. Brainstorm Ideas for Making Things Different
  5. Get Your Personalised Guide
  6. Arrange Your Discussion

Part B: Setting Up the Practical Side of Your Discussion

  1. Choose the Right Time for Your Discussion
  2. Get Rid of Distractions and Interruptions
  3. Have Some Tissues Handy
  4. Sit or Lie Down Somewhere Comfortable
  5. Position Yourselves Next to Each Other Side by Side
  6. Make Physical Contact With Each Other
  7. Stay Physically Relaxed Throughout Your Discussion
  8. A Good Way to Put All of These Tips Together

Part C: Having Your Discussion

  1. Understand Your Wife
  2. Apologise Sincerely to Her
  3. Reassure Her
  4. Take Ownership of Your Porn Addiction and the Situation
  5. Prove that Things Will Be Different From Now On

What to Do Next

 

PART A:  PREPARING FOR YOUR DISCUSSION

This will be an important discussion – so you need to prepare what you’re going to say before you speak with your wife so you hit a home run when you do.

Read on for the key steps to follow when preparing for your discussion.

1. Make Sure You’re Coming From a Sincere Place

The first key (which affects the success of everything to follow) is that you’re coming from a sincere place and you have genuine intentions.

To be totally clear: what I’m sharing with you here isn’t just some surface technique to trick your wife into staying so you can get what you want.

Instead, this is a fundamental part of effective communication and relationships, and it will only work properly if:

  • You genuinely care about your wife’s interests and wellbeing (in addition to your own)
  • You genuinely want to understand your wife’s point of view
  • You genuinely want to help your wife to feel better
  • You genuinely want to turn everything around and heal your relationship

When things are contentious, people become highly sensitive to attempts to manipulate them.

This is especially true for women, since they’re far better than men at reading other people in the first place.

So if you’re just saying all the right things, but you don’t genuinely care about your wife’s point of view and you’re not sincere in what you say, you probably won’t see much magic.

Also, any results you do happen to get probably won’t last long.

So before you do anything else, take a look at your motivations and commit to being genuine and sincere in everything you do – during this first discussion and beyond.

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2. Put Your Own Grievances Aside for Now

If things are rocky in your marriage, I know you may have plenty of grievances about your wife and her behaviour as well.

Maybe she’s been busting your balls and nagging you to do something about your porn addiction (or even trying to control you), and it’s driving you crazy.

Maybe she’s said things that made you feel judged or ashamed or rejected over your porn use. Or maybe she’s just been nasty in general.

And maybe she hasn’t taken a moment to look at things from your perspective or understand you or what it’s like to have porn addiction either.

I totally get it if you feel she hasn’t done the right thing by you.

But this first discussion is absolutely not the time to talk about any of your issues with your wife.

To make this process work, you need to put all your stuff aside for now and focus 100% on understanding and acknowledging her perspective.

Trust me, I know how hard this is to do. But don’t worry, you won’t need to do it forever.

Once you start healing your relationship, you’ll soon have your chance to talk about the things that are bothering you too – I guarantee it.

In fact, if you put everything into genuinely understanding your wife, she’ll reach a point where she will ask you what your concerns are so you can both deal with these things as well.

But for now, since you’re the one initiating this discussion, you need to go first and make it all about her.

Trust me on this, follow the steps and watch the magic unfold . . .

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3. Genuinely Look at Everything From Your Wife’s Perspective

The next step before you speak with your wife is to put yourself in her shoes ahead of time.

One way to make your wife feel understood is to ask her about her perspective and to acknowledge the things she’s telling you.

But here’s an even more powerful way to do it:

Think about her perspective in advance, and then tell her what you think she’s going through without her needing to spell it out for you first (followed by asking her to confirm / clarify).

So, imagine you are your wife, and spend some quiet time looking at the whole situation and your relationship through her eyes.

Here are some key questions to think about from your wife’s perspective (especially in those moments when she’s feeling most affected by your porn use):

  • What are the emotions she’s feeling?
  • What are the physical sensations she’s feeling?
  • What are the questions she’s asking herself?
  • What are the thoughts she’s thinking?
  • What are the specific things she doesn’t like about your porn use?
  • What are the specific things she doesn’t like about your attitudes, behaviours and interactions with her (and your kids) as a result of your porn use?
  • What are her fears and concerns around your porn use and her relationship with you?
Examples to Guide You

As a starting point, think of all the things she’s already told you before about what she thinks, how she feels, what she doesn’t like, her fears and concerns and so on.

Then, to help you answer these questions and understand your wife even better, I’ve put together some example lists of things that might be coming up for her.

I often help women who are struggling to cope with husband’s or boyfriend’s porn addiction, and these are the specific things they tell me they’re feeling and thinking.

So there’s a good chance your wife will be going through at least some of these same things.

The lists of examples are just a bit further down the page after step 4. Click here if you want to jump straight to them now.

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4. Brainstorm Ideas for Making Things Different From Now On

Showing your wife that you genuinely understand her perspective will make her feel much better all by itself.

In doing this, you’re acknowledging the past and the present.

From there, you can hit a home run by proving to your wife that you’re committed to making the future different, so she won’t have to keep going through all that stuff.

In doing this, your goal is to restore your wife’s faith in you and in the relationship, and to give her hope that everything will be OK from now on.

With this goal in mind, there are two things she’s going to want to know, which you should think about right now:

  1. What are you going to do to make sure you’re successful in quitting porn?
     
  2. What are you going to do to make things better in your relationship with her from now on?

First, brainstorm things you can do and make a list for each question.

Next, just choose 3 solid things from each list that you can put into action soon to make a start.

You don’t need to have your whole plan all figured out . . . but you do need to bring something solid to the discussion to reassure your wife that you’re serious and things will be different now.

Tips to Maximise the Impact of this Step

Here are some tips on how to achieve that goal:

  • Think about what actions your wife would want you to take – things that will make her feel hopeful that things will be different (not just the things that you think you should do, or that you want to do).
  • Choose actions that are big and different from the things you’ve done before. This will not only show her you’re really serious now, but may also be exactly what you need to finally quit porn and turn your relationship around.
  • Where possible, have something to show your wife when you’re telling her the actions you’ll take. For example, if you’re going to use any of the Porn Free Power resources, actually show her the relevant website pages or PDFs (I’ve been surprised over the years at how many women tell me they have hope for the first time after their husband subscribed to get the PFP porn addiction recovery guide and they watched the opening video together).
  • Where possible, take some action toward one or two of the strategies before you speak with your wife. This will be a more powerful demonstration that you’re serious than if you simply tell her about things you’re planning to do in future. But don’t purposely hold off on the chat just to do this – if you want to stop your wife from leaving you, this first discussion with her is your top priority.

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5. Get Your Personalised Guide on What to Say to Stop Your Wife From Leaving You

Step 3 of your preparation (above) involves answering a few questions to help you look at things from your partner’s perspective.

As promised, here are lists of example answers to give you a starting point.

These are based on the experiences of dozens of real women in the same situation as your wife.

To make the following lists as useful as possible for you:

  • Tick the boxes next to the things that are most relevant to your wife and her perspective.
  • Add any extra things that aren’t already in the list in the text area underneath each one.
  • Add in the things from Step 4 above that you’ll do to prove to your wife that you’re serious about quitting porn and making your relationship better.
  • Add in any other helpful notes you may want to have handy during your discussion.

When you’re done, you can then get all of your specific answers and notes emailed directly to you.

Just enter your first name and email address and click on the “Send My Guide Now” button.

The email you’ll get includes a checklist of the steps in this complete process, so you can use it as a handy guide that will walk you through your discussion with your wife.

Things your wife might be feeling emotionally:
HurtUpsetHeartbrokenUnattractive / uglyWorthless / low self esteemInadequate / not good enoughInsecureJealousDirtyCheated on / betrayedMistrustfulSuspiciousFreaked outScaredUncertainUneasyLack of controlDreadDisgustedAngry / pissed offResentfulBlamefulHate (for porn and even for you)ShockedDisappointed / let downFrustratedDiscouragedDesperateIgnoredInsultedDisrespectedGriefHopelessDying insideLonelyEmptyNumbEmotionally detachedGuilty
Other emotions your wife might be feeling that aren't mentioned above:

 

Things your wife might be experiencing physically:
SickChest painsStabbing painsHeart palpitationsTrouble breathingSweatingHeadachesNo appetite / not eatingTrouble sleeping
Other physical feelings your wife might be experiencing that aren't mentioned above:

 

Things your wife might be thinking and asking herself:
What's wrong with me?Why does he need porn when he's got me?Who is he thinking about?I feel like I'm a prostituteWho is he really? / Do I really even know him?I don't want him to touch meI can't even look at himIs he lying to me?Is he just saying what he thinks I want to hear?I want to believe him so much, but not sure if I canAm I responsible for any of this?Is it wrong for me to feel this way?Is there anything I'm doing wrong?Am I handling this right?I don't know what to doHow do I cope?Can I stay in this relationship?
Other thoughts or questions your wife might be thinking about that aren't mentioned above:

 

Things your wife might not like about the effects of your porn use:
You're always aloof or distant nowYou're not present when you're around herYou're not giving her attention and interest any moreYou don't seem to be into her any moreYou don't have any emotional connection with herYou're not talking to her much any moreYou don't spend much quality time with her (or the kids) any moreYou don't cuddle and kiss her any moreYou go to bed at a different time to her nowYou don't compliment her much (or at all) any moreYou criticise her a lot - especially her physical appearanceYou only show up in the relationship when you want somethingYou look at other women all the timeYou're not honest with her any moreYou've become heartlessYou're always so secretive nowYou don't have any goals or ambitions or direction in life any moreYou're always procrastinating now
Other things your wife might not like that aren't mentioned above:

 

Fears and concerns your wife may have:
You'll always be comparing her to your porn star girlfriendsShe'll never be able to compete with the women in pornShe'll never be able to measure up to your expectationsShe's just being used and will eventually be discardedYou'll get bored with herYou'll never be satisfied with herWhen you're having sex, you'll be thinking about the women in pornYou'll cheat on her in real lifeShe'll never be able to trust you againYou'll never quit pornThings will get worse and worse with your porn addictionThings will get worse and worse in your relationship with herYou're growing distant from the kids and not spending quality time with themThe kids will end up using porn just like you do
Other fears or concerns your wife might have that aren't mentioned above:

 

Things you're going to do to prove to your wife that you're serious about quitting porn from now on:

 

Things you're going to do to prove to your wife that you're serious about making things better in your relationship from now on:

 

Any other notes you want to have handy during the discussion:

Your first name:

Your email address:

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6. Arrange Your Discussion

If things are fine between you and your partner, initiating the discussion might be as simple as telling her you’re keen to chat and then arranging a day and time with her.

But if your partner is close to leaving you, or things are strained and communication is poor right now, then you may need to go in with a plan for what you’ll say.

In this case, your best approach is to express that you genuinely want to make things better in your relationship, starting with sincerely wanting to understand her.

Below are the basics of what to say to initiate the discussion.

If it suits, you can use this as a script as-is. Otherwise, you can take the elements and put them into your own language:

  • The things that have happened between us have given me a huge wake up call, and I really want to make everything better in our relationship
  • I’ve realised that I haven’t been looking at things from your point of view, and I haven’t taken the time to fully understand how you feel until now
  • But I really do want to understand you and see things from your perspective
  • So I’ve spent some time thinking about this and really imagining what you’re going through and how you’re feeling
  • And now I’d love to chat with you and show you what I’ve learned to make sure I understand everything properly
  • As we go, I also want you to tell me if there’s anything I haven’t got right, or if there’s anything I’ve missed so I can appreciate your perspective even better
  • Can we have a chat sometime soon to help me see things from your point of view?

Once she agrees, you can arrange a time to have the actual discussion from there (see the start of the next section for tips on how to choose the best time and place).

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PART B: SETTING UP THE PRACTICAL SIDE OF YOUR DISCUSSION

Once you’ve done your homework, you’ve got your personalised guide emailed to you, and you’re ready to speak with your wife, there are other practical ways you can set yourself up for success in advance.

Here is a checklist of my tips on how to get the physical and logistical elements supporting you in your discussion so you can hit a home run.

Tip 1: Choose the right time for your discussion

When you speak with your wife (especially if she’s about to leave you over your porn use or you have other major problems), this isn’t going to be a 5 minute chat.

It will probably take longer than you first think.

With that in mind, and since this is such a critical conversation, you don’t want it to be artificially cut short by something else in your schedule.

So make sure you have a large free window of time to have your discussion.

If it was me, I’d allow at least an hour, and preferably two.

You may not need that much time, but it’s better to have it and not need it – rather than the other way around.

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Tip 2: Get rid of distractions and interruptions

You need to be 100% present and focussed on each other when you have your discussion.

So do what you can to get rid of distractions and interruptions, including:

  • Put your phones on flight mode, or at least on do not disturb or silent mode. You can also put them in another room instead (although you may need yours to refer to your guide / notes if they’re on your phone).
  • Turn the TV and other devices off.
  • Turn the radio off. If you want to have something on the stereo, choose gentle music, preferably with no / minimal vocals (definitely no talking).
  • Tell any people nearby who might interrupt you that you don’t want to be disturbed until further notice. If you have kids, make sure they’re not around or wait until they’re asleep.

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Tip 3: Have some tissues handy

Yes, when you have your discussion, there could be some tears.

(This isn’t necessarily a bad thing – your wife may cry because she’s relieved or happy, or just because she’s finally releasing all the emotions she’s built up).

If the tears do come, it’s better if you don’t have to interrupt things right at this critical moment to go hunting around for tissues.

If you’ve experienced this before, you’ll know that doing that can knock you out of the flow and create disconnects.

So have some close to hand so you can grab them easily whenever you need them (without making it obvious to your partner beforehand that you have them nearby).

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Tip 4:  Sit or lie down somewhere comfortable

Instead of standing up or sitting in more rigid single seats (such as office or dining table chairs), do this:

  • Sit somewhere comfortable and open (like a couch); or
  • Lie down next to each other (on the couch, in bed or on a rug on the floor).

This allows you to be more physically relaxed, which then helps to create a more relaxed emotional vibe (and this then supports the outcome you want to achieve).

It also reduces the chance that either person will make any aggressive physical gestures when talking compared to when you’re standing up or sitting rigidly upright.

Once again, this makes everything much gentler and less threatening.

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Tip 5: Position yourselves next to each other side by side (not facing each other)

This is something that my wife and I discovered works really well whenever we discuss anything contentious.

The key part is that you’re close together side by side, rather than facing each other.

By facing each other, you can inadvertently create a confrontational vibe – as if the other person is the problem and you’re butting heads or about to attack them.

On the other hand, by being next to each other, you literally feel like you’re on the same side, both looking at a common problem together as a team.

That’s definitely the vibe you want to create.

By being side by side, there’s also much less pressure because you can easily choose not to make eye contact.

Although eye contact is important in relationships, it can make things feel more confrontational and aggressive in contentious discussions.

It can also make it harder for people to feel comfortable sharing their true thoughts and feelings without the fear of being judged or attacked.

So in this position, either of you can easily look straight ahead (instead of at the other person) whenever you need to – without it being weird.

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Tip 6:  Make physical contact with each other in some way

Assuming that your partner isn’t at a point where she doesn’t want to even touch you, I recommend making physical contact with each other in some way.

This is a loving / nurturing thing to do that provides a tangible feeling of being connected.

So it will be a reminder that you’re speaking with someone you care about, which helps to keep everything compassionate and loving.

Depending on the level of comfort you and your partner have with this, here are a few options:

  • Hold hands
  • Link arms or place your hands on the others’ leg
  • Cuddle
  • Just press up against each other
  • If you’re lying in bed, you can spoon each other
  • If you’re on the couch, one person can recline on their back and the other person can lie back with their head on the others’ chest

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Tip 7: Stay physically relaxed throughout your discussion

Even if you’re sitting or lying somewhere comfortable (as per Tip 4), if your body is still tense, this can then create emotional tension.

In turn, this can also feed back into more bodily tension, and so on.

That’s not what you want.

So as much as possible throughout your discussion, actively relax all the muscles in your body.

Also breathe deeply and slowly to keep yourself physically calm.

I know it’s tricky to remember to do these things when you’re immersed in the discussion, so I’ve put reminders into the guide you can get emailed to you.

That way you’ll have a regular prompt to relax yourself as you refer to each step in the guide.

For bonus points, you can do something relaxing (like walking in nature, meditating or taking a warm shower or bath) before your chat so you start in a calm state.

Back to the Index

A good way to put all of these tips together

Here is a step by step plan for one way you can make all of the above things happen in practice:

  • Arrange to have your discussion on a night when you have nothing else on
  • If you have kids, send them to bed as early as possible
  • Take a warm relaxing shower (both you and your wife should do this – either together or separately, depending on what works best in your situation)
  • Put some tissues in a handy location next to the bed (but not in obvious sight – maybe just in a bedside table drawer)
  • Turn your phones on flight mode, do not disturb or silent mode
  • Switch off any alarms for that evening
  • Turn off the TV, radio and other devices
  • Get rid of any other distractions
  • Turn the lights off and make the room dimly lit or dark
  • Lie down in bed next to each other side by side
  • Make some kind of physical contact (hold hands, cuddle, spoon or just press your bodies up against each other)
  • Each relax all the muscles in your bodies while you take some deep breaths
  • Begin the discussion

Back to the Index

 

PART C: HAVING YOUR DISCUSSION

1. Understand Your Wife – and Make Sure She Feels Understood

Once you’re together next to each other and ready to have the actual chat, the best way to start is to tell her (once again) that you really want to understand her.

Begin With the Things On Your List

First, paint a picture of what you believe she’s going through as a result of your porn use by sharing each of the items on your list, one by one.

Start with the items that you believe are the biggest deal for her and work your way down to the less significant ones.

For each item you cover, here is the basic process to go through:

What to DoExamples of What to Say
1. Introduce the item"One of the feelings that I think is coming up for you is . . ."
"One of the things I think you're concerned about is . . ."
 
2. Explain briefly why you believe she is thinking / feeling that way"I think that's because . . ."
"I think the reason for that is . . ."
 
3. Ask her to explain and clarify further"Have I got that right?"
"Can you tell me more about it from your point of view?"
 
4. Summarise anything she adds back to her in your own words "OK, so if I've understood what you're saying . . ."
"Alright, let me see if I've heard everything correctly . . ."
 
5. Acknowledge the item and her point of view"I see what you're saying"
"I can appreciate how it can make you feel that way"
 

Although the next step in the overall process is to apologise, it might be a good idea to apologise for some things as you go when you’re acknowledging them.

Check Out This Example Dialogue

Here’s an example of what the first part of the conversation might look like:

You:        "Baby, as I was saying earlier, I've realised that I haven't taken the time to understand your point of view and how my porn use is affecting you, and I really want to do that.
I'm not used to looking at things from your perspective and I might not get it perfect, but I care about you and I'm going to do my very best.
To start with, I've done some thinking about everything and made a list of the things I think you're feeling and going through, and I wanted to share my list with you to see what you think."
 
Your wife:        "Sure."
 
You:        "OK, firstly, one of the main things I think that comes up for you when you think about me watching porn is feeling cheated on.
You feel like me watching these other women having sex in porn videos is too much like me having sex with other women in real life.
Have I got that right?"
 
Your wife:        "Yes, that's kind of how I feel.
And it's also that I feel that when you're watching porn, that's time you're spending looking at other sexy women that you could be spending with me.
We could be getting intimate or having sex together, but instead you're looking at porn.
It's as if you're choosing those other women over me, and I don't like feeling like that."
 
You:        "I see. So when I watch porn, you feel like you're not the only woman in my life because I'm spending time with these other women too, and you're not getting as much quality time as a result.
So that probably means you don't feel as special and important to me - is that right?"
 
Your wife:        "Right - that's exactly how I feel."
 
You:        "I get it. I can see now how me watching porn would make you feel that way, and I'm sorry because that's absolutely not the way I want you to feel.
I want to chat with you about what I'm going to do to deal with my porn addiction in a little bit, but first I want to just go through the things you're thinking and feeling so I understand everything properly, and then we can get into what to do from here.
How does that sound?"
 
Your wife:        "That sounds great."
 
You:        "Okay, so another thing that I think you're feeling is . . ."
 
Don’t Stress if Things Get Unstructured

You have your list of things you believe she’s feeling / thinking / concerned about, but don’t be surprised if the conversation doesn’t flow neatly from one item to the next.

In reality, as you’re talking back and forth with your wife, the discussion flow will probably take many twists and turns (that’s the nature of this kind of chat, plus women tend to jump around from one thing to another a lot more than men do).

This may mean you start talking about other items on your list before you’re done talking about the current item.

It might also mean that totally new things come up that weren’t even on your list – even things that are unrelated to your porn use.

And that’s all absolutely fine.

Just remember your overall outcome (which is understanding your wife and making sure she feels like you understand her) and let things flow.

If things go way off subject and you both want to bring it back on track, you can always return to the next item on your list that you haven’t spoken about yet.

Ask Her to Add Further Details

Once you’ve covered all the things on your list in one way or another, ask your wife if there’s anything you’ve missed, or if there’s anything else she wants to add or say.

As with the process above, if she does add anything:

  • Summarise it back to her in your own words,
  • Refine based on her feedback until she can see you understand properly, then
  • Acknowledge it once you do understand properly.

Keep doing this until she feels like she’s got everything out and you really understand her (and watch the transformation in how she feels and the way she looks at you).

Things to Do During this Step of Your Discussion

  • Stay focussed on your outcome at all times, which is making her feel understood, helping her to feel better, making sure she won’t leave you, and healing your relationship
  • Ask her lots of questions to really ellicit how she’s feeling and what she’s thinking
  • Genuinely listen to her and strive to understand her
  • Keep imagining what it’s like to be her and seeing what she’s saying from her point of view
  • When you’re summarising what your wife has said in your own words, check to make sure you’ve understood properly (and keep refining with her feedback until she can see that you get it)
  • Acknowledge and validate what she’s feeling and thinking – you don’t have to agree, but you do need to appreciate that that’s where she’s at right now
  • Stay present and give your wife your full attention
Things Not to Say or Do During this Step of Your Discussion

  • Don’t try to explain anything she brings up (even if you can) – if she asks for your explanation or perspective on things, tell her you’ll be happy to talk about that later, but for now you just want to understand her point of view
  • Don’t bring up your thoughts or feelings or try to tell her about your perspective (for now)
  • Don’t make her wrong for anything she’s feeling or thinking
  • Don’t try to get your point across or argue (even if you disagree with what she’s saying)
  • Don’t get caught in your head thinking of your own stuff while she’s talking about her stuff
  • Don’t get trapped into focussing on what you want to say in reply instead of genuinely listening to your wife – now is not the time to reply or explain anyway, so just let all those thoughts go and stay present
Important!

There’s a chance your wife may say one or two things that make you think “are you freaking serious??” or “WTF is she talking about??” or “I can’t believe she would say/think that! What about the time when . . .” (or something to that effect).

But if you get caught up in your own reaction and trying to counterpunch with your own points, you’ll destroy your chances of making this conversation successful.

And that might just mean that your wife does go ahead and leave you – the very thing you’re trying to avoid here.

So for now, just accept that she may say some things that you disagree with, or that you think are unfair, or that make you upset or angry, and be ready for it to happen.

If it does, remember that (rightly or wrongly), that’s actually the way she feels and sees the situation at the moment.

And then remember that you love and care about this woman, and you want to end her pain, resolve the situation, heal your relationship and make it better than ever.

In other words, stay focussed on the overall outcome you want to achieve, and not on trying to show that you’re right or trying to get your perspective across.

Then get right back to understanding and acknowledging your wife.

Back to the Index

2. Apologise Sincerely to Her

A sincere apology is a very powerful thing.

When someone feels hurt or wronged, this one thing can make them feel a whole lot better and goes a long way to fixing things – at least early on.

But if your wife is about to leave you over your porn use, you’ve probably reached the stage where saying sorry isn’t enough to change things all by itself.

That’s why it’s important to really understand your wife (and to make sure she feels understood) first.

That way she knows that you know exactly what you’re apologising for, and your apology will actually have the impact you want.

As you’re going through the process of understanding your wife in Step 1, if specific things come up that deserve an apology, you should definitely apologise for those things in that moment.

Then, once your wife feels totally understood, give her a sincere apology collectively for the things you’ve done (or not done) that have negatively affected her.

What If You’re Not Actually Sorry for Certain Things?

If there are certain parts of your behaviour that you genuinely don’t feel the need to apologise for, you don’t necessarily have to.

Instead, you can still at least sincerely tell your wife that you’re sorry she’s feeling that way and that’s not how you meant for her to feel (which I assume is true if you care about her and want to heal your relationship).

But make sure you’re being mature and responsible in your own perspective before deciding you’re not sorry about anything (see Step 4 below for more on this).

Back to the Index

3. Reassure Her

Once your wife feels understood and you’ve apologised for your part in what she’s going through, the next thing she will want is reassurance.

Here are some of the key things to reassure her about:

  • You love her. Look her in the eyes and say “I love you” to her sincerely so she feels it. Reassure her that there’s nothing about your porn use that changes the fact that you love her.
  • Your porn use is not because of her. This is a big one. So many women believe their husband watches porn because he doesn’t find her attractive or desirable. So you need to reassure her that your porn use isn’t a reflection on her and it’s not because she’s not sexy enough (however, this is the reason some guys watch porn, so this needs to actually be true if you’re going to say it – see the tips below).
  • You’re going to quit porn for good. Make sure she knows that’s what you want and that’s what you’re working towards. You’ll prove this to her even more strongly in Step 5.
  • Everything’s going to be alright in your relationship. Tell her you’re committed to her and to your relationship, and you’ll do what you can from your side to make sure everything gets better.
Tips for Success

  • Don’t try to explain your addiction or your perspective for now, unless she specifically asks. At this point, it’s still best if you make everything about her. You’ll have your chance to talk about your side of things soon enough.
  • You need to be honest in everything you say. So if there are things above that you can’t genuinely say to her (for example, if you’ve been watching porn because you don’t find her attractive), don’t say them. In other words, don’t just tell your wife what you think she wants to hear – this may get you what you want in the short term, but it won’t help either of you in the long run.

Back to the Index

4. Take Ownership of Your Porn Addiction and the Situation in General

Now that you’ve addressed how your wife is feeling and the emotional side of things, it’s time to start looking at solutions and creating a better way forward.

The first step is to take ownership of your porn addiction and the situation in general.

To take ownership, two key things you’ll need to do (if you haven’t done them already) are:

1. Admit that you have a problem with porn that you need to solve

So many guys are using porn heavily and can’t stop themselves, and yet they deny that there’s any problem.

This drives their wives crazy.

So if you haven’t already admitted to your wife that you have a problem, she’s going to need to hear you do that right now.

2. Take full responsibility for your porn addiction and for the problems it’s been causing in your relationship

This means admitting that you have the choice and the duty to do something about it.

It also means not placing the blame for your porn addiction on your wife, other people or anything else outside yourself.
 

It takes courage to admit you have a problem and take full responsibility for it. In fact, every single part of this discussion takes a lot of courage.

But your marriage is a huge deal, and you don’t want your wife to leave you just because you didn’t step up and take ownership.

So if you’re ever going to draw on all the strength and courage you have inside, now is the time.

Once you take ownership of your porn addiction and the situation in general, you’re in a position of power where you can do something about it.

That’s exactly what your wife wants to see so she knows she’s doing the right thing by staying with you instead of leaving you.

Back to the Index

5. Prove to Her that Things Will Be Different From Now On

If you do all the previous steps well, your wife will be feeling 100 times better by now.

You’ll also feel a huge positive shift in your relationship within just an hour or two of talking.

Even though that’s a big accomplishment, your job isn’t done yet.

Now you need to keep up the momentum by making real progress toward quitting porn, as well as fixing the problems your porn use has caused in your relationship.

If you don’t back up the discussion with solid action on these things, the awesome feeling of connection you’ve created during your chat won’t last.

So now is the time to tell (and show) your wife what you’re going to do to make things different in future.

Here’s a great way to do that:

  • Firstly, tell your wife what actions you’re going to take to quit porn. If you can, show her something tangible (like this website or other resources) so it’s more real for her and it doesn’t just sound like words.
  • Next, ask your wife what actions she’d like you to take that will reasure her that you’re totally serious about quitting porn and that this time will be different.
  • Then, tell your wife what actions you’re going to take to make your relationship with her better (besides quitting porn).
  • Next, ask your wife what actions she’d like you to take to make your relationship with her better.

If she seems open to feedback at this point (which she will if you’ve done the other steps properly), you can also make some gentle requests for things she can do from her side to make the relationship better too.

Once you’ve discussed the actions you’re going to take, you’ll have a clear path forward from there.

If you’re both happy with where things are at for now, you can wrap things up. Otherwise there are a couple of extra things you can cover.

Extra Things You Can Cover in Your Discussion

For bonus points, once you’ve discussed the actions you’re going to take moving forward, some other things you can do are:

  • Ask your wife to be actively involved in your actions to quit porn
  • Ask your wife to hold you accountable to your commitment to quit porn

For most wives, this isn’t a chore or a favour, but something they want to do so they feel like they’re in the loop and they have a greater sense of certainty and hope.

 

WHAT TO DO NEXT

If you follow the steps in this process properly, you’ll not only stop your wife from leaving you and save your relationship, but you’ll also build a strong foundation for quitting porn as well.

Assuming all has gone well, you’ll both feel a sense of energy and invigoration about your relationship, and you’ll feel closer to each other than you have in a long time.

Of course, this is just the first step on the path to repairing your relationship.

From here, it’s time to follow through with the actions you’ve committed to so those great feelings last and you can build on the foundation you’ve created in your chat.

You can also have further discussions so you’re able to share your own perspective and make sure your wife understands you as well.

If you both invest regularly into your relationship from here, you can transform your porn addiction from a curse to a blessing and make your marriage better than it ever was before.

Give Yourself the Best Chance of Success with Expert Guidance

If you want to stack all the cards in your favour so you have the best chance of saving your relationship and making it better than ever, let me guide you.

I’ve been helping people with relationship problems caused by porn addiction for years now, and I know this specific area inside out.

I can help you with any part of rebuilding your relationship, from your initial discussion to the ongoing actions needed to nurture it into something awesome.

Everything is done online, so you can get help from anywhere in the world.

Click here to find out more about the relationship help and solutions I can give you – or just contact me and tell me what you need!

Also, here’s something you might not know:

When women contact me about their husband’s porn addiction, the number 1 thing they all want him to do is get help to quit – because they’re sure things won’t change if he keeps trying to do it by himself.

Plus, any progress you make on healing your relationship will get undone very quickly if you keep relapsing to porn in future.

You may not have many chances left now, so if you really want to enjoy a great relationship that lasts for the long term, you’ll need to quit porn as well as doing the right things in the relationship itself.

So getting my help and support is the perfect way to prove to your wife that you’re serious about quitting porn and making your marriage better, as well as the most effective way to make sure you follow through and deliver on your promise.

To get me on your team and make it happen, just contact me and we’ll chat more about exactly what you need :)

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